I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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