Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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