I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
