i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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