Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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