One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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