Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
