cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
be right there i have to get my cape
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
