On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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