I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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