I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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