I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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