just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
