im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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