Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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