The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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