I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
