3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
