I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
