I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize