y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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