everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
