My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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