I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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