I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
