for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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