i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
