No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
