he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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