We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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