That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
