By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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