meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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