In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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