I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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