Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
