I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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