So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
