the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
