tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
