Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
