totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
