I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I need a beard to bite.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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