The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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