I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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