So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
