i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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