Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
