Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
