in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
