PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
