theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
