He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
