Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
