Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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