felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
